I’m depressed and it made me ashamed and that breaks my heart!
I should be present! I should be diligent! I should be strong! I have been all those things in the past and I have always made a way when there was no way! What changed? What is so different? There are so many things and I’m guessing I could go into depth on the family issues, the life transition issues, the disappointments and the grip depression that took hold of me! I’ll save those details for another time. I’m pretty sure it’s so lengthy it’s book worthy! The bottom line…I got super depressed, real life anxiety (which I haven’t dealt with in over 20+ years), and I was literally sitting on my couch watching TV for 10-14 hours a day binge watching Netflix like it was a woobie. I couldn’t work out but that was a twofold deal, it started as a knee issue and then transformed into a super excellent excuse for laying around with my woobie and sleeping my life away.
The outside world basically saw none of this. I’m good at putting a mask. I can smile with the best of them. I’m pretty great when I need to be “on” in the presence of people. I did that most of my life. There were a few that saw me break down when I was young, few that saw my real-life battles and the pain I fought through. But what a lot of people saw was a very angry individual. (Again, a book worthy story for another time)
How’d I find my way out this time? Well truth be told, I am not all the way out yet. I’m getting there. I started working out about 4 weeks ago. I didn’t want to, I didn’t want to move from my comfy couch or my tear stained pillow. However, I know me well enough to know my symptoms were kicking in from all sides. I needed to at least try to move and see if that would boost my mood some. It took almost 2 weeks (All modified just 30 minutes a day) before I noticed a shift in my mood and another week before I saw a shift in my health. Yes, my health, because whether I wanted to believe it or not, the pain I was feeling in my knee, my headaches, the body aches, were all coming from my deep-set depression. So, I still need to get some counseling. I do believe in talking things out with someone who has no clue about your life sometimes. I am so new to this area that I have haven’t made that move yet. What has comforted me some is I found a new church and that makes me a little more comfortable. My other church was stressing me, because it wasn’t a true fit. It was nice and I won’t bad mouth it, but it wasn’t for me and I didn’t feel like I fit in. That was hard for me and all the things in my life felt out of place. Strange, I know, but it is how I felt, like I couldn’t connect to God the way I wanted because I was blocked at church. So about 3 ½ weeks into working out I was feeling a lot better, then I get this chest/sinus/ear crud from the devil I swear! So, no more working out until I can breathe normally again. Kinda worries me because that is my escape, my release, it’s my physical and emotional wind down to let all things that bother me go. It keeps me on track mentally and physically, keeps me from eating out of control. Keeps my PMDD at bay and my hormones in some form of check. However, for now, until I can get back into my workouts I’m praying and meditating to try to keep myself grounded. Being with friends and family. Smiling for real and not just for show. Being intentionally grateful for the many things God has giving me and for the things He has in store for me in the future, because I know he has something big for me coming up. No more shame. I’m coming back! Real Life! No Filters! This is me.